Lonely Parts

A moment of solitude on the Camino.

In 2023 the WHO declared loneliness an epidemic, in 2024 I went looking for my lonely parts and this is a story about that journey. This wasn’t a conscious intention as I turned my life upside down, calling off my engagement and walking away from everything as I knew it. It was, however, a soul’s calling and for the last 9 months I’ve spent a lot of time alone listening and loving on these lonely fragmented parts of myself.

I hope this story gives you a better sense or a deeper understanding (if needed) of what it's like getting to know or trying to get to know different parts of yourself. I also want to normalize the idea of having multiple parts in the mind and body because they’re real and want our attention and this definitely includes the lonely ones.

Of course, it’s natural to enjoy solitude or feel lonely at times, but letting lonely vulnerable parts take the lead in life doesn’t usually have the best outcomes. The best outcomes come from self-led parts and I feel grateful to have a self-led/self-like part that loves solitude. I enjoy spending time alone reading, singing, dancing around the kitchen or watching a movie by myself. But, and it’s a big BUT, along my healing journey I’ve found protective parts that take solitude too far, into hyper-independence, not accepting or asking for help and generally keeping people at an arms length. The beauty of parts work is once you understand what these parts are protecting you from and why, and you approach them with compassion and curiosity, your internal system can begin to soften. There will have more space for love and connection.

For years, I never questioned if I was lonely, I simply assumed I liked being alone. I never questioned because my protective parts kept me far away from the feelings of my vulnerable lonely parts. I learned early on to disconnect from my body and disassociate, it was the only way to navigate what was going on around me and what was being done to me. As I got to know these protective parts, I started to get glimpses of lonelier parts—seeing how my internal system ensured I was never too alone, just enough to keep some connection, but not enough to risk getting hurt like in the past.

I started to notice a pattern of times in my life when the lonely vulnerable parts tried to get my attention and how I quickly made choices to shove them back down. There was no discernment, no questioning if my choices aligned with my values, just a deep uncomfortable empty feeling that needed to go away at all costs.

As I continued my own personal IFS journey, my protective parts started to soften and allow more memories and vulnerable parts to show up, and intuitively it felt like the time to give them my full attention. So I decided going on a long walk like the Portuguese Camino was the perfect place to take them and do just that.

I tucked that intention in my heart and began walking last July on a beautiful sunny day walking a fairly straight forward 12K route along the coast of Portugal. I found my hostel easily and didn’t feel lonely at all. Day 2 was pretty much a repeat, though I began to notice little twinges of uncomfortable emptiness, but nothing I couldn't handle. The day was a good mix of alone time and being around people.

At the end of the second day, I met a lovely fellow Canadian woman and we ended up walking together for three days. We clicked and had some great conversations as we walked along the stunning coast and I could have easily kept walking with her. But my intention was finding and spend time with my lonely parts, so we said our goodbyes and headed off separately. I ended up getting lost and running out of food and water that day, leaving no room for lonely parts, just worried ones. I eventually found food, water and my accommodation, then took a rest day in a private room—but still no lonely part.

My first five days had been in Municipal Hostels, where the beds are cheap and accommodation bare bones.  Despite the lack of comfort there was something magical about sleeping in these hostels with the pilgrims you’d either pass, be passed by or walk with during the day. I can't accurately describe how wonderful it was (even with the physical pain) to be walking all day, securing the coveted 10 euro bed, handwashing your sweaty clothes and falling asleep with the same faces you started the day with. What I can say though, is my lonely part was nowhere to be seen.  

After a few days, I made the decision to get another private room to shorten my walk day from 28k to 14k. This made sense, rest my feet and spend time with my lonely part, but it wasn't meant to be. By this time I was in Spain and the language barrier was very apparent, and this stirred up other parts as well as a hint of my lonely part. As I arrived at my private homestay, I was met by an older Spanish man, who was, let's just say not warm and fuzzy. I was early and he was not interested in letting me come in, and I suddenly felt blended with emotions from all these distressed parts and my reaction was to leave and just keep walking. I made (or the lonely part) the impulsive decision to keep heading towards the Municipal Hostel in Vigo which was the 28K day I was trying to avoid. By this point it was 11:30 am, getting really hot and I still had about 18K to walk to secure a bed. It was not a smart decision.

I walked along the ocean, periodically looking at my phone trying to find different accommodation, but knowing I really wanted to be in the Municipal Hostel. My lonely part was trying to get my attention and I wanted nothing to do with her. All I wanted was to catch up to the familiar faces that I had started this journey with.
I kept walking, worrying whether I should just find a place closer, would I be too late to even get a bed? Then at one point, I surrendered. Surrender in this case was a taxi on the side of the road that within 15 minutes had me in the line up for a bed. It wasn't long before I saw my first familiar face and I felt my shoulders soften and my lonely part subsided back into my subconscious.

The next day, found me connecting with 3 lovely Italian pilgrims that swooped me up and I walked with them right to Santiago. My lonely part had no need to come out, even when I walked alone for hours, I had the comfort of knowing they’d be waiting for me at the end of the day.

Ten days later, I said goodbye to them in Santiago, I was on my own again and setting out to walk another 100K to Finisterre. I thought this would be the opportunity, the perfect time to get to know her. But other parts kept distracting me and I couldn't connect. This makes sense to me now, I’d shifted into a high sympathetic state as my life as I knew it simultaneously unraveled and had to be put in order to leave for an extended amount of time. The Camino was the perfect place to come out of survival mode, feel my grief and let myself just breath—there was no room for lonely parts.

A part of me on the Camino

Ironically when I set out on this trip with the knowledge I'd be heading to my childhood hometown afterwards, I found myself skipping over the whole Camino trip in my mind. I just wanted to get to the "safety and familiarity" of what I knew. I thought it would be easier, and the first two weeks were the exact opposite because of course, this is where the lonely parts started to make their presence known— my birth place. With copious amounts of time alone, and no distractions my lonely teenager part started letting me hear her story in bits and pieces and I begin to feel what she had been feeling so long ago. I began to understand why I never wanted to feel anything—it made perfect sense. There was a lot of healing done in those 10 weeks up there but there was more to do.

Where it all began, Terrace BC.

When I got back to the island in December I settled in to do more parts work. While I’m really good at connecting with my own parts, I know the benefit of having more self-energy on board for better results and chose to work with my IFS practitioner for several sessions. In the following 10 weeks I made connection with several tender parts and finally connected with a preverbal part, the one with attachment wounds, the one desperate to be loved and paid attention to at any cost. It’s slow going with her but we’re building a relationship of trust that I will show up for her, give her the love she didn’t get and make the adult decisions. By the end of the journey, the intention I had set out with came to fruition, not like I had planned but that’s why it’s a soul’s journey. They don’t come with a set of clear instructions and bullet points.

My daily parts walk in North Saanich, BC.

In 2025, there is still an epidemic of loneliness, probably more so, and that is something I want to help change. And I feel more confident than ever that I can because of the journey I’ve taken. It wasn’t easy and I know for certain that I shed more tears than I have in my whole life but every single one was necessary for my healing so I can help others heal.

We don’t have to have an epidemic of loneliness, and one way to stop it is to take the steps to befriend our parts, especially the lonely ones. When they’ve been unburdened, there will be Confidence to reach out and say hi, Courage to ask for help, Vulnerability to share a personal story, Compassion to help a neighbour, Curiosity of a different opinion, Clarity to have a courageous conversation and lastly Connection to give and receive LOVE.

Thanks for reading I know it’s a long one but it was a long journey….

Love Margo