It wasn’t about my will…..

Dad and the Cesna 180 circa 1970s

Parts show up in unexpected ways and one of those ways is through your resistance. Recently I decided to finally get my will done. It’s been on my list of things to take care of forever, but I always found something more important to do.

A recent conversation with my sister where she asked me if I’m scared to die sparked the subject again. And a few days later, I decided to start the process, but found myself once again wrestling with will resistance. But instead of just tossing it aside once again, I decided to get curious about this resistance and to do some parts work around it.

You can do your own internal family systems work anywhere and I personally do mine in the tub as I’ve had a lot of success connecting with my parts while submersed in warm water. I start by doing a few rounds of 4,7,8 (inhale 4, hold 7, exhale through the mouth 8) breathing and then I close my eyes (you do not have to close your eyes) and go inside. I focused in on the resistance to doing my will and felt into a sensation of chest pressure. I invited whatever part that wanted to come in, to do so and waited for a few minutes. Slowly an image came into my mind of flying with my dad, his wife and my sister in his small Cesna 180. I was about 11 and we’d been in Kelowna and were taking off from Okanagan Lake. It was windy and the water was choppy and we were being blown all over the place as we ascend into the air. I’m not one to remember much of my childhood, but I do remember how terrified I felt, and confirmation from my dad that it was a very sketchy takeoff.

Many decades later my sister told me my dad’s wife had slapped me across the face because I was screaming. I have no memory of that, but can only imagine how that felt to a young girl who was already terrified and thinking she was going to die.

As a young child or even as an adult, when something traumatic happens and its not met with connection and emotional safety, a part will fragment off and basically stay frozen in time with it’s own upsetting feelings, thoughts and emotions around the event. The memory will also be stored in the body and anytime something similar is experienced it will activate the parts, as well as the state of the nervous system. This explains my continued fear of flying.

In my case there was a cluster of parts, the part that became terrified of flying, the part that got her face slapped and a part that was only shown to me that night in the tub. This was a little vulnerable part that got out of the plane in shock after landing and wanted the love and comfort of her own mother who was not available to her. This was the part that had to internalize those terrified feelings and emotions and who never got any empathetic connection after something really terrifying happened to her. As I witnessed this it made so much sense to me and I was so grateful for this part showing me how she had felt in those moments. With my self-energy I was able to be a compassionate witness to what happened to her, I was able comfort her, give her what she’d needed at that time and I felt a softening in my body has she felt heard.

I will most likely have to work with these parts again, but I more insight into what they need and I’ve already had success connecting with them when I get on a plane. With a combination of checking in with them, letting them know they are safe, bilateral taping and breath work my heart rate does go down. :-)

I hope my story was helpful and sparks some curiosity into working with your own parts.

Thanks for reading and being on this journey with me.